by Nation celebrates brief period of not paying elected officials to accomplish nothing
In a rare moment of bipartisan agreement among ordinary Americans, millions of taxpayers across the nation celebrated the government shutdown as the first time in recent memory their tax dollars stopped funding congressional inaction. Citizens from both red and blue states united in their appreciation for the temporary cessation of paying elected officials to bicker, grandstand, and accomplish approximately nothing.
“Finally, my tax dollars are getting a vacation,” declared Austin resident Patricia Chen, who threw a small party when news of the shutdown broke. “For years I’ve funded congressional screaming matches and performative outrage. Now I get to not fund that. It’s like a rebate on disappointment.” Chen’s sentiment echoes across the country, where Americans report feeling a strange sense of relief about government services they didn’t realize they could live without.
The shutdown, triggered by yet another budget dispute that political scientists describe as “the same argument they’ve been having since the Nixon administration but with better Twitter takes,” has resulted in furloughs for hundreds of thousands of federal workers. Ironically, members of Congress continue receiving paychecksa detail that has prompted taxpayers to note they’re still funding the least productive part of government even during a shutdown supposedly caused by Congressional dysfunction.
“It’s like paying a contractor who refuses to finish your house but still sends invoices for standing in your driveway arguing with his business partner,” explained University of Texas political science professor Dr. Raymond Torres. “Except in this case, the contractor has subpoena power and nuclear launch codes, which makes the situation significantly less amusing upon reflection.”
Social media has exploded with taxpayers calculating exactly how much money they’re saving during the shutdown, though mathematicians point out that Congress will likely authorize back pay for furloughed workers, meaning taxpayers will eventually pay for government services they didn’t receivea concept some describe as “the most government thing possible.” One viral TikTok shows a user calculating their “shutdown savings,” arriving at approximately $3.47, which they plan to spend on coffee that will provide more value than the average congressional hearing.
The shutdown has created some unexpected side effects. National parks closed, disappointing tourists but delighting bears who finally get some peace. The IRS stopped answering phones, though cynics note this represents minimal change from normal operations. Most significantly, Congress stopped passing laws, which legal experts suggest might be the best thing to happen to the American legislative code since someone invented the “delete” key.
Some citizens have begun a petition requesting permanent part-time congressional sessions. “If they accomplish this little while working full-time, imagine how much they could not accomplish if they only worked six months a year,” the petition reads. “Plus, we’d save 50% on congressional salaries, which could fund approximately 12 million cups of government coffee or three Pentagon staplers.”
As the shutdown enters its second week, both parties have blamed each other with the practiced ease of parents arguing in front of children who stopped listening years ago. Meanwhile, ordinary Americans continue their lives largely unaffected, leading some to wonder whether government shutdowns might be the only time the government successfully demonstrates efficiency by simply stopping.
“At least when they shut down, they stop making things worse,” observed Houston resident Marcus Williams, speaking for millions. “It’s like when your toddler falls asleep mid-tantrum. Sure, nothing’s getting accomplished, but at least nothing’s getting destroyed either.”
Congress is expected to resolve the shutdown eventually, at which point Americans will resume funding the full-time operation of an institution with approval ratings lower than traffic jams, airline food, and that person who microwaves fish in the office break room.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/millions-of-taxpayers-applaud-the-shutdown/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (Millions of Taxpayers Applaud Government Shutdown, Finally Get Break from Funding Congress)
