by University of Texas student’s identity crisis triggers campus-wide pronunciation emergency
In a revelation that has shaken the University of Texas campus to its burnt-orange core, sophomore Jaydon Blue reportedly discovered during a linguistics class that he’s been pronouncing his own name incorrectly for his entire life. The shocking discovery occurred during a phonetics lecture when Professor Elizabeth Warren (no relation) explained the proper pronunciation of the letter combination “ay.”
“I’ve been saying ‘JAY-don’ this whole time,” the clearly distressed student explained to bewildered classmates. “Apparently, based on International Phonetic Alphabet standards, it should be pronounced ‘JEH-den.’ My whole life has been a lie built on phonetic fraud.” The crisis has forced the university to provide emergency counseling services and additional office hours for students now questioning the pronunciation of their own names.
The situation escalated when Blue’s roommate, Christopher “Chris” Martinez, pointed out that if Jaydon was wrong about his name, perhaps Chris had been mispronouncing his nickname too. “Should it be ‘Kris’ with a K sound? Or maybe ‘Shris’ with a soft CH?” Martinez wondered aloud before experiencing what UT counselors are calling an “existential pronunciation spiral.” Three other students in their dorm subsequently began questioning whether they existed at all.
University of Texas linguistics professors have tried to contain the damage by explaining that names are largely arbitrary social constructs not bound by strict phonetic rules. This reasonable explanation was ignored by Blue, who has now legally changed his name to “Phonetically-Correct-Jaydon Blue-But-Please-Still-Call-Me-Jaydon-Or-Jay-Whatever-I-Don’t-Even-Know-Anymore.”
The pronunciation panic has spread across campus faster than rumors about a Whataburger opening on Guadalupe Street. The university’s registrar office reports receiving 47 name change requests in just two days, with students demanding their names be respelled to match their pronunciation, or their pronunciation be legally changed to match their spelling. One student legally changed his name to “®” to avoid the controversy entirely, though he now regrets that decision every time he has to spell it for a barista.
Blue’s parents, Janet and Robert Blue, issued a statement defending their naming choice: “We thought Jaydon was a nice name. We didn’t consult the International Phonetic Alphabet because we’re normal people who don’t do that.” The statement was delivered via their lawyer, who pronounced “Jaydon” three different ways in the same sentence, further muddying the waters.
The controversy has divided the campus into pro-Jaydon and pro-Jehden factions, with both sides staging peaceful protests that mostly involve people saying the name loudly at each other in slightly different ways. The Daily Texan newspaper attempted to cover the story but couldn’t agree internally on how to spell the subject’s name, eventually running the headline: “Local Student J****** Blue Experiences Crisis.”
As of press time, Jaydonor Jehden, or whateverhas decided to simply go by “Blue,” thereby solving the problem while creating an entirely new one since everyone now assumes he’s sad.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/jaydon-blue/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (Jaydon Blue Discovers He’s Been Pronouncing His Own Name Wrong for 20 Years)
