by California Governor Deploys Fruit-Based Military Force
In what military historians are calling “the most California thing ever,” Governor Gavin Newsom has reportedly assembled a “Strawberry Cavalry” to patrol Sacramento and enforce his latest agricultural policy initiatives. The unconventional fighting force, which consists of organic farmers on horseback armed with sustainable produce and strongly-worded environmental impact statements, has been spotted conducting training exercises in the capital while confused lobbyists frantically check if this is covered by their insurance.
The Strawberry Cavalry, officially designated as the “California Sustainable Agriculture Rapid Response Unit,” was created following Newsom’s realization that traditional law enforcement lacks the “farm-to-table sensibility” necessary to implement his vision for California’s agricultural future. “We need boots on the ground,” Newsom explained at a press conference held at an artisanal jam factory. “Or rather, organic cotton boots. Made by a worker-owned cooperative. You get the idea.”
The cavalry’s mission statement, which is printed on recycled paper using soy-based ink, commits the unit to “defending California’s agricultural heritage while promoting sustainable farming practices and looking absolutely fabulous doing it.” Each cavalry member rides a rescue horse, carries a satchel of heirloom seeds, and is trained in both traditional cavalry tactics and contemporary social media engagement strategies.
According to experts on California agriculture, the state produces a significant portion of America’s fruits and vegetables, making agricultural policy crucial to both California and national food security. However, most policy experts agree that a cavalry based on strawberries was “not what anyone was expecting” and “possibly not what anyone needed either.”
The cavalry’s first major deployment involved a dramatic charge through downtown Sacramento to protest pesticide use, during which members distributed organic strawberry samples to bemused state employees and performed a synchronized dressage routine set to folk music about crop rotation. “It was beautiful and confusing,” reported one witness. “Like a farmer’s market gained sentience and learned military tactics.”
Critics have questioned the practicality of a fruit-based military unit, noting that strawberries have a notoriously short shelf life and are vulnerable to numerous pests, much like Newsom’s presidential ambitions. Republican lawmakers immediately condemned the cavalry as “government overreach” and “what happens when you let progressives play Age of Empires,” while Democratic supporters praised it as “innovative” and “exactly the kind of bold leadership California needs.”
The cavalry’s uniform consists of flannel shirts, artisanal denim, and berets made from organic cotton, because apparently that’s a thing. Each member carries a custom-forged pitchfork that doubles as a selfie stick, recognizing that modern warfare increasingly takes place on Instagram. The horses are fed exclusively organic oats and are encouraged to express their feelings during weekly group therapy sessions.
Training for the Strawberry Cavalry involves traditional horseback riding skills combined with modern agricultural knowledge and what instructors describe as “aggressive positivity.” Recruits must master not only cavalry charges but also composting techniques, solar panel installation, and the ability to explain why their approach to agriculture is morally superior to everyone else’s while maintaining a friendly smile.
Military analysts have expressed confusion about the cavalry’s tactical capabilities, particularly regarding what exactly they plan to do with all those strawberries. “In traditional cavalry units, you charge the enemy,” explained one retired general. “Here, I think they charge the enemy with enthusiasm about sustainable farming? And then maybe offer them a smoothie? The strategy is unclear.”
The initiative has drawn comparisons to other unusual military units throughout history, though historians note that most of those were created during wartime necessity rather than, as one scholar put it, “whatever is happening in California right now.” The history of unconventional military units is long and strange, but few have been explicitly themed around berries.
Newsom defended the cavalry against mockery, insisting that California has always been ahead of the curve on progressive policies. “Today they laugh at our Strawberry Cavalry,” he declared. “Tomorrow, every state will want one. We’re setting trends, as usual. Also, does anyone want to try this amazing locally-sourced jam?”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/gavin-newsoms-strawberry-cavalry/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (Gavin Newsom’s Strawberry Cavalry Invades Sacramento)
