by Top Official Leaves Government to Get Things Done
In a surprising turn of events that has shocked absolutely nobody who has ever worked in government, the Border Patrol Chief has announced his retirement, citing a desire to “actually accomplish something before I die.” The veteran law enforcement official, who spent years navigating the bureaucratic labyrinth of federal immigration policy, reportedly realized that he could probably build the entire border wall himself in his garage faster than waiting for Congress to agree on anything.
During his tenure, the Chief oversaw thousands of agents, managed billions in taxpayer dollars, and attended approximately 47,000 meetings that could have been emails. “I’ve spent more time in PowerPoint presentations than I have actually looking at the border,” he confessed during his retirement speech. “At some point, you realize that the real illegal crossing is how much of your life you’ve wasted in conference rooms.”
The outgoing Chief’s career highlights include successfully implementing three different border security strategies that were immediately undermined by policy changes from new administrations, training agents to use cutting-edge technology that was obsolete by the time it was installed, and becoming fluent in the ancient language of “bureaucratese,” which he describes as “English, but more painful.”
Political figures from both parties praised the Chief’s service while simultaneously blaming him for everything wrong with border policy. Republicans commended his dedication while noting he should have been tougher, Democrats applauded his humanity while insisting he should have been gentler, and libertarians wondered why we need a border at all, man.
According to official statistics from Customs and Border Protection, border encounters have fluctuated wildly during the Chief’s tenure, going up when his political opponents wanted to criticize him and going down when his allies needed good news. Notably, the numbers somehow managed to be both “the highest ever” and “completely under control” depending on which cable news network you watched.
The retiring Chief plans to spend his newfound free time with family, pursue hobbies he abandoned decades ago, and maybe take a vacation somewhere that doesn’t involve testifying before Congress. “I’m thinking Iceland,” he mused. “Nice and cold, very few borders to worry about, and the most controversial thing happening there is probably a dispute over fishing rights.”
His replacement has not yet been announced, though sources indicate the administration is looking for someone with “a high tolerance for being yelled at by everyone simultaneously” and “the ability to make bricks without straw, because that’s basically the job description.” The position also requires fluency in political doublespeak and the ability to keep a straight face while explaining why the border is simultaneously “the most secure it’s ever been” and “in crisis mode.”
Immigration experts note that border security remains one of the most politicized and least understood aspects of American policy, with most Americans having stronger opinions than actual knowledge about what happens at the southern border. “People think it’s either complete chaos or a militarized fortress,” explained one analyst. “The truth is it’s more like the DMVfrustrating, understaffed, and running on systems from 1987.”
As the Chief rides off into the sunset, or more accurately, drives to his retirement community in Florida, he leaves behind a legacy of service, dedication, and the kind of institutional knowledge that will be completely ignored by whoever comes next. His final advice to his successor? “Buy comfortable shoes, keep your expectations low, and remember that no matter what you do, everyone will hate it.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/border-patrol-chief/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (Border Patrol Chief Retires to Pursue Dream of Actually Securing Border)
