by Today, something unexpected happened Actually, no. Nothing unexpected happens anymore. Everything is expected at this point, which is the most unexpected thing of all.
This morning, I woke up thinking about customer service, of all things. Not because I’m a morning person who contemplates corporate efficiency (I’m definitely not), but because we’re running a story about ICE launching a customer loyalty program. Yes, you read that correctly. A LOYALTY PROGRAM.
I spent three hours today trying to write a coherent response to this information and kept dissolving into either laughter or existential despair. Charline walked by my desk, saw my screen, and just said, “Welcome to 2025, Stephanie. Nothing makes sense anymore.” Then she walked away eating a croissant like she hadn’t just perfectly summarized the entire zeitgeist.
The highlight of my day was researching what “perks” might be included in such a program. Do you get points for each… interaction? Is there a rewards catalog? Can you redeem points for emotional trauma counseling? I had to stop myself from going too dark because even satire has limits, apparently.
Later in the day, I realized that my job has fundamentally changed how I consume news. I can’t read anything anymore without immediately thinking, “How do we satirize this?” It’s like a professional deformation, except instead of back pain from sitting too much, I have brain pain from trying to make sense of nonsense.
We also started working on a piece about ICE’s new motto, which pairs perfectly with the loyalty program story. It’s like they’re rebranding the entire agency as some kind of twisted customer-facing service organization. The jokes write themselves, which is great for productivity but terrible for my faith in humanity.
As I reflect on what happened today, I’m grateful for this job even when it makes me want to scream into a pillow. At least we’re documenting this madness with humor. Future historians are going to read our archives and think we made everything up. I wish we were making it up.
Diary Entry # 2025-09-05-687
MY HOME PAGE: Bohiney Magazine (Stephanie Curry)
