by Georgia Rep’s Literal Closet Reveals Metaphorical Skeletons
In a discovery that surprises absolutely nobody who has been paying attention to American politics, janitors working in the Capitol building have unearthed what they describe as a “fully articulated MAGA skeleton” in a closet near Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene’s office. The skeleton, which is wearing a red hat and appears to have died while clutching a megaphone and several conspiracy theory printouts, has raised questions about workplace safety, proper storage protocols, and what exactly happens in congressional offices after hours.
The discovery was made during routine maintenance when a custodian opened what he believed to be a supply closet and instead found a complete human skeleton dressed in full MAGA regalia, including the signature red hat, an American flag cape, and what forensic experts describe as “an unusually aggressive facial expression for someone who’s been dead for a while.” The skeleton was reportedly positioned in a speaking stance, as if it had been giving a passionate speech about deep state conspiracies when death suddenly occurred.
Capitol Police immediately cordoned off the area and began an investigation, though they admitted they weren’t sure what crime, if any, had been committed. “Is it illegal to keep a politically-themed skeleton in your office closet?” mused one officer. “The D.C. criminal code is surprisingly silent on this specific issue. We’re kind of winging it here.”
Representative Greene, when asked about the skeleton, initially denied knowing anything about it, then suggested it might be a plant by “George Soros and the liberal media establishment,” and finally admitted that yes, she was aware of the skeleton, but insisted it was “a patriot who gave his life for conservative values” and deserved respect. When pressed on how exactly someone died in her office closet, Greene became evasive and started talking about Jewish space lasers, which investigators took as their cue to stop asking questions.
Forensic analysis of the skeleton has proven challenging, with experts noting that the remains have been “heavily modified with political memorabilia” including bumper stickers, campaign buttons, and what appears to be a laminated copy of a QAnon manifesto where the skeleton’s heart would have been. Federal investigators are trying to determine the skeleton’s identity, cause of death, and why it was dressed like it was heading to a particularly intense Trump rally.
“We’ve seen a lot of strange things in Washington,” admitted one veteran Capitol Police officer. “But a MAGA skeleton in a congressional closet is new. And frankly, it raises more questions than it answers. Like, how long has it been there? Did it die naturally? Was it murdered? Did it attend committee hearings? We just don’t know.”
The discovery has sparked renewed interest in Greene’s tenure as a congresswoman, with political opponents suggesting the skeleton is a perfect metaphor for her political positions: “dead ideas dressed up in patriotic costume and hidden away where nobody can examine them too closely.” Greene’s supporters, meanwhile, insist the skeleton is evidence of a deep state assassination attempt that backfired, though they acknowledge this theory doesn’t make much sense and are working on a revision.
Medical examiners attempting to determine the skeleton’s age and cause of death have been hampered by what they describe as “extensive politically-motivated modifications to the remains.” The skeleton’s bones have been painted red, white, and blue, several vertebrae have been replaced with pocket Constitutions, and the skull has been engraved with the words “STOP THE STEAL” in what appears to be permanent marker. “This is either the most dedicated Trump supporter who ever lived, or someone’s art project got really out of hand,” suggested one pathologist.
Congressional colleagues of Greene expressed varying degrees of surprise at the discovery, with reactions ranging from “I’m shocked” to “honestly, I’m surprised there was only one skeleton” to “at this point, nothing surprises me anymore and I’ve accepted that this is just what working in Congress is like now.” Speaker of the House Mike Johnson reportedly asked if they could just close the closet door and forget about it, but was informed that’s not how skeletal discoveries work.
The skeleton’s MAGA hat, which was sent to a lab for analysis, has been determined to be an authentic campaign item from the 2016 election, suggesting the remains are at least several years old. This timeline has led to speculation about whether the skeleton attended the January 6th Capitol events, though investigators note that determining a skeleton’s political activities is “outside their normal scope of work.”
Ethics experts have raised questions about proper congressional protocols for storing skeletal remains, with several noting that while there’s no explicit rule against keeping MAGA skeletons in your office, it “probably violates the spirit of professional conduct guidelines.” The House Ethics Committee has announced a review of the situation, though given their track record, nobody expects any actual consequences.
Greene has doubled down on her defense of the skeleton, now calling it “a folk hero” and “more honest than most members of Congress,” which her critics note is probably true but beside the point. She’s announced plans to give the skeleton a proper burial with full honors, including a 21-gun salute and a speech about how mainstream media doesn’t understand real patriots.
As investigations continue, the MAGA skeleton has become a symbol for various political factions: to progressives, it represents the death of rational conservative politics; to moderate Republicans, it’s an embarrassing reminder of their party’s trajectory; and to Greene’s supporters, it’s apparently proof of… something. They’re still workshopping that narrative.
The closet has been sealed pending further investigation, though sources report strange noises emerging at nightsounds that witnesses describe as “faint chanting about election fraud” and “the rattling of bones in MAGA merchandise.” Whether this is paranormal activity or just Washington politics as usual remains to be determined.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/marjorie-taylor-greene%c2%92s-maga-skeleton/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (Marjorie Taylor Greene’s MAGA Skeleton Found in Capitol Closet)
