by President Accidentally Invents Temporal Politics
In the most scientifically improbable development since someone convinced the public that cryptocurrency was real, sources close to the White House have revealed that President Joe Biden has apparently developed time travel powers, though they only work when he’s telling stories about his childhood, confusing the present with the past, or trying to remember where he left his aviator sunglasses. The discovery was made when staffers noticed Biden referencing events from different decades within the same sentence, a phenomenon physicists are calling “Grandpa Quantum Mechanics.”
The president’s temporal abilities reportedly manifest during press conferences, speeches, and casual conversations when Biden seamlessly transitions from discussing current policy to recounting his friendship with a coal miner from Scranton in 1952, then somehow loops back to criticizing something that happened last week, all while maintaining the earnest conviction that this narrative structure makes perfect sense. “Time is more of a suggestion for him,” explained one bewildered aide. “Linear chronology is for quitters.”
Scientists at leading universities have been studying footage of Biden’s speeches, trying to determine if he’s actually experiencing time nonlinearly or if this is just what happens when you’ve been in politics since the Mesozoic Era. “The man has been in Washington so long that past, present, and future have essentially merged into one continuous stream of Senate votes and Amtrak rides,” noted one temporal physicist. “It’s either time travel or just being really, really old.”
The White House has neither confirmed nor denied the time travel allegations, with Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre offering the cryptic response, “The president has a wealth of experience spanning many decades, and sometimes those decades get a little jumbled, and that’s totally normal and definitely not something we’re concerned about, why do you ask?” This non-answer has only fueled speculation that Biden’s temporal abilities are real and possibly being weaponized for political purposes.
According to White House historical records, Biden is one of the oldest presidents to serve, which may explain his unique relationship with time. When you’ve lived through enough decades, witnesses suggest, they all start to blend together like a political smoothie of memories, policy positions, and that time you met Corn Pop at the swimming pool.
The president’s time travel appears to be involuntary and unpredictable, triggering during moments of storytelling or when confronted with questions about his age. During one recent press conference, Biden began answering a question about economic policy, traveled back to his youth working summer jobs, made a brief stop in his Senate career circa 1987, and somehow ended up discussing his friendship with Nelson Mandela before anyone could figure out how he got there. “It’s like watching someone channel surf through their own memories,” observed one reporter.
Political opponents have attempted to weaponize Biden’s temporal confusion, with Republicans running ads featuring his more confusing historical references and Democrats insisting this is actually a strength because “he’s lived through so much history that he IS history.” Neither argument has been particularly persuasive to voters, who mostly just want to know if the president knows what year it is.
The phenomenon has created challenges for White House speechwriters, who must now prepare remarks that account for possible temporal displacement. “We write a speech about infrastructure, and halfway through delivery, he’s somehow talking about his first Senate campaign and how candy bars used to cost a nickel,” lamented one writer. “We’ve started including temporal anchor points in the speeches, like ‘As of today, Saturday, November 1st, 2025, in the present moment, right now’ to help him stay oriented.”
Foreign leaders have reportedly grown accustomed to Biden’s time travel tendencies, with one diplomat noting, “During negotiations, he’ll reference events from his vice presidency, his Senate career, and occasionally the Truman administration, all within the same meeting. We’ve learned to just nod and extract the policy positions from the temporal soup.”
Neurologists and aging experts note that memory and temporal confusion can occur as people age, though they’re careful to point out that they cannot officially diagnose the president without examining him, and also they’d rather not get involved in this political circus, thank you very much. “Let’s just say that mixing up timelines is common in older adults,” said one doctor diplomatically, “and leave it at that.”
The revelation has sparked a broader conversation about age and fitness for office, with voters divided between those who think Biden’s time travel is disqualifying and those who think it’s kind of endearing in a confused-grandpa sort of way. “At least he’s not boring,” offered one supporter. “Sure, he doesn’t know what decade it is, but he’s got spirit.”
As Biden continues his temporal adventures through American political history, staffers have reportedly implemented a buddy system to keep him anchored in the present, though this has had mixed results. The president was recently heard asking an aide, “What year is this again?” before a cabinet meeting, to which the aide responded, “2025, sir,” and Biden replied, “Oh good, I thought it was 1987 for a second there. That was a tough year.”
Whether Biden’s time travel powers will affect his political legacy remains to be seen, though historians note that future biographers will have a challenging time constructing a linear narrative of his presidency when the president himself doesn’t seem bound by linear time. In the meantime, Americans can take comfort in knowing that their president has apparently mastered the space-time continuum, or at least confused it enough that nobody’s quite sure what’s happening anymore.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/joe-biden%c2%92s-grandpa-time-travel/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (Joe Biden’s Grandpa Time Travel Powers Revealed)
