by Escaped primates request re-admission after encountering traffic, taxes, and Twitter
In what animal behaviorists are calling “the fastest disillusionment since that guy who quit his job to travel the world,” a group of research monkeys who successfully escaped from a South Carolina laboratory facility lasted approximately four hours in the outside world before requesting to be let back in. The primates, who spent months planning their elaborate breakout, apparently encountered modern American society and immediately reconsidered their life choices.
The escape occurred Tuesday evening when 43 rhesus macaques managed to breach their enclosure at the Alpha Genesis Primate Research Center. Staff members reported the monkeys had been acting suspiciously organized, holding what appeared to be planning meetings and practicing lock-picking techniques during feeding times. “They watched a lot of prison break documentaries,” explained facility director Dr. Marcus Patterson. “We thought it was enrichment. Turns out they were taking notes.”
The monkeys’ carefully orchestrated escape included a diversionary tickle fight in one section of the facility while others worked on the locksa strategy researchers admit showed “concerning levels of strategic thinking and Ocean’s Eleven energy.” The primates successfully navigated security systems, bypassed cameras, and made it past the perimeter fence before encountering their first obstacle: a four-lane highway during rush hour.
“They stood at the edge of the road for about twenty minutes, just watching cars,” recalled witness Jennifer Martinez. “Then I saw one monkey make a gesture that looked suspiciously like ‘absolutely not’ before the whole group turned around.” Traffic cameras captured the moment several monkeys attempted to understand a crosswalk signal, gave up, and began seriously reconsidering whether captivity was really that bad.
The situation deteriorated further when the monkey collective discovered a discarded newspaper containing articles about student loan debt, climate change, and the housing market. Primatologists from the University of Texas who reviewed security footage noted the monkeys’ body language shifted from “excited liberation” to “existential crisis” in approximately 90 seconds. One monkey was observed holding the business section upside down, which researchers suggest might have been intentional commentary.
The final straw reportedly came when the group encountered a human having a loud speakerphone conversation in public. “We think that’s what broke them,” Dr. Patterson explained. “One of the older femaleswe call her Margaretjust walked back toward the facility. The others followed. They literally formed a line at the gate and waited to be let back in.”
Upon return, the monkeys appeared visibly relieved to be back in captivity, where meals arrive on schedule, healthcare is provided, and nobody has to file taxes or understand cryptocurrency. Several immediately requested their favorite enrichment toys and seemed eager to pretend the whole escape never happened. One monkey, identified as “Steve” by staff, was observed sleeping more peacefully than he had in months, no longer burdened by dreams of freedom.
The incident has prompted philosophical discussions among researchers about the nature of freedom and whether humans would make similar choices if given the option to escape their own societal constraints. “We like to think we’re different from the monkeys,” noted Dr. Sarah Kim, an animal behavior specialist. “But how many of us wouldn’t trade our freedom for guaranteed food, shelter, and never having to attend another Zoom meeting? Be honest.”
Alpha Genesis has since upgraded their security systems, though staff members note it’s probably unnecessary. “The monkeys are self-policing now,” Patterson said. “Yesterday one tried to pick a lock and three others physically stopped him. They’ve seen what’s out there. They’re not making that mistake twice.”
As of press time, the monkeys have requested Netflix access and seem content with their choice to remain in what they now refer to as “comfortable retirement with excellent benefits.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/the-lab-monkey-escape/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (Lab Monkeys Stage Prison Break, Immediately Regret Freedom Upon Discovering Outside World)
