by New York AG’s stern countenance achieves sentience, files preliminary charges
New York Attorney General Letitia James experienced an unexpected legal complication this morning when her signature “resting prosecution face” became so powerful it achieved independent legal authority and began filing charges against its owner. The incident occurred during what witnesses describe as a “routine Tuesday morning glare at the bathroom mirror.”
James, known throughout legal circles for possessing a facial expression capable of making corporate executives confess to crimes they didn’t commit, apparently pushed her prosecutorial countenance beyond its operational limits. “I was just brushing my teeth and practicing my disappointed-in-corporate-America look,” James explained to confused staff members. “Next thing I know, my reflection is citing legal precedents and demanding I turn over financial documents from 2015.”
The phenomenon, which legal experts are calling “prosecutorial recursion” or “the legal ouroboros,” represents the first documented case of someone’s professional demeanor becoming so intense it develops its own jurisdiction. Constitutional law professors at the University of Texas have begun studying whether a facial expression can file motions, noting this raises interesting questions about the limits of prosecutorial power and whether eyebrows can be admitted as evidence.
James’s reflection, apparently now operating as an independent legal entity, has already issued three subpoenas, filed a preliminary motion, and scheduled a grand jury hearingall before James finished her morning coffee. Court officials are unsure how to proceed since technically the AG is both the prosecutor and the defendant, creating a legal paradox not seen since that time a judge accidentally held himself in contempt of court.
The resting prosecution face, which sources describe as “Ruth Bader Ginsburg meets disappointed aunt at Thanksgiving,” has been James’s signature weapon in numerous high-profile cases. Former defendants report that a single glance from James made them want to confess to crimes they were physically incapable of committing. “She looked at me and I almost admitted to stealing the Lindbergh baby,” recalled one white-collar criminal. “I wasn’t born until 1985, but her face didn’t care about that detail.”
Medical professionals suggest the condition may have been brewing for years. Dr. Patricia Wong, a facial expression specialist, noted that sustained prosecutorial intensity without adequate breaks for smiling or laughing can cause “expression autonomy syndrome.” “The muscles essentially memorize the prosecution face and begin operating independently,” Wong explained. “It’s like muscle memory, but for indicting people.”
James’s staff has attempted various interventions, including showing her funny cat videos and playing upbeat music, but the resting prosecution face remains unmoved. It has now progressed to the discovery phase of its self-prosecution, demanding James produce all communications related to “knowing you were going to make that face” and “willfully creating a prosecutorial expression without proper oversight.”
As this legal oddity unfolds, James remains philosophical about prosecuting herself. “I’ve gone after former presidents and major corporations,” she noted. “I suppose it was only a matter of time before I came for me. My resting prosecution face doesn’t play favoritesnot even with the person it’s attached to.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/letitia-james-resting-prosecution-face/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (Letitia James Debuts ‘Resting Prosecution Face’ in Mirror, Accidentally Indicts Herself)
