by Historic monument to commemorate humanity’s greatest achievement: ignoring surroundings
In what historians are calling “the most culturally accurate decision since Mount Rushmore,” the Commission of Fine Arts has unanimously approved a bronze statue depicting a man standing perfectly still while staring at his phone, completely oblivious to his surroundings. The monument will be erected in Washington D.C., though officials admit most visitors will be too busy looking at their own phones to notice it.
The commission, which typically oversees the design of federal buildings and monuments with the gravitas of Renaissance patrons, apparently decided that future generations deserve an honest representation of early 21st-century humanity. “We considered statues of war heroes, civil rights leaders, and pioneering scientists,” explained Commission Chairman Harold Petersen, pausing to check his own notifications mid-sentence. “But then we realized nothing captures our era quite like someone ignoring a beautiful sunset to scroll through memes.”
The 12-foot bronze figure, tentatively titled “Millennial on Metro,” depicts a young professional in business casual attire, neck bent at the now-classic 45-degree angle, thumbs positioned in the eternal scroll position. The artist, renowned sculptor Janet Morrison, insisted on anatomically accurate details including the slight thumb callus and the beginning stages of tech neck. “I wanted future archaeologists to understand our civilization completely,” Morrison explained while simultaneously texting.
University of Texas art history professors have praised the commission’s bold choice, noting that it represents the first time in American history that a federal monument accurately captures how citizens actually spend their time. “Previous generations got inspiring statues of people doing brave things,” noted Dr. Raymond Park. “We get a statue of someone ignoring everything while watching TikTok videos. It’s brutally honest.”
The statue’s location has sparked some debate, with suggestions ranging from the National Mall to directly in front of the Lincoln Memorial, where it could photobomb tourist pictures while metaphorically representing how Americans now engage with historythrough a screen, briefly, before swiping to something else. The commission ultimately selected a spot near the Capitol, reasoning that lawmakers should be reminded daily of their constituents’ attention spans.
Not everyone celebrates the artistic choice. Conservative critics argue the statue promotes antisocial behavior and poor posture. Progressive activists counter that it doesn’t adequately represent the diversity of phone-checking positions, demanding additional statues showing people checking phones while walking, driving, and during important family dinners. One proposed companion piece would depict someone taking a selfie with the phone-checking statue while ignoring the actual phone-checking statue.
The monument’s dedication ceremony is scheduled for next spring, though attendance projections remain low since the event won’t be streamable and requires people to actually show up somewhere. Organizers plan to accommodate modern attention spans with a ceremony lasting no more than 90 secondsapproximately the length of a YouTube ad people can’t skip.
When asked whether future generations might judge us harshly for this artistic choice, Chairman Petersen shrugged. “They’ll be too busy with their brain implants to care about what we did with our thumbs.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/commission-of-fine-arts/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (Commission of Fine Arts Approves Statue of Guy Checking His Phone)
