by Satirical Take on Voter Fraud Claims
In a stunning development that has election officials checking their calculators and conspiracy theorists checking their “I told you so” scripts, reports have emerged claiming that 11 million illegal aliens somehow managed to cast votes in the latest election cycle. The news has sent shockwaves through Washington, mostly because nobody can figure out how they all got driver’s licenses for the voter ID requirements.
According to sources familiar with the matter, the alleged voters reportedly stood in line for hours at polling places across the country, filled out registration forms in triplicate, and navigated the Byzantine maze of American electoral bureaucracy with the skill of seasoned political operatives. “It’s almost like they wanted to participate in democracy,” said one bewildered county clerk in Arizona. “Who does that?”
Political analysts are scrambling to understand how such a massive voting operation could have gone undetected by the thousands of poll watchers, election officials, and concerned citizens monitoring voting locations. “We had people watching the watchers watching the watchers,” explained one election security expert. “Somehow these 11 million people just slipped through like ninjas in the night, except it was daytime and there were lines.”
The former president has seized upon these claims with his characteristic subtlety, holding a press conference from his golf resort where he declared, “I’ve been saying this for years, folks. Eleven million is probably a conservative estimate. Could be 20 million, could be 30 million. Beautiful people, tremendous people, but they shouldn’t be voting. Only I should be getting those votes.”
Meanwhile, election officials in swing states are wondering how they’re supposed to verify these claims when they can barely keep the voting machines from jamming on regular ballots. “We can’t even get Martha in accounting to figure out the new software update,” admitted one harried supervisor. “But sure, 11 million people just walked in and committed federal crimes without leaving a trace. Makes total sense.”
Legal experts note that voter fraud prosecutions remain extraordinarily rare, with most cases involving individuals accidentally voting in the wrong precinct or former felons unclear about their eligibility status. The notion that millions of people would risk deportation and federal prosecution to cast a single vote in an election where their preferred candidate might lose their county by 50,000 votes has been described as “statistically improbable” and “completely bananas.”
As the controversy rages on, immigration activists have pointed out that if 11 million people really wanted to participate in American democracy that badly, maybe that says something positive about American democracy. But those voices have been largely drowned out by people screaming about caravans and demanding to see everyone’s birth certificates.
The investigation continues, though officials admit they’re not quite sure what they’re investigating or how they would even begin to prove such an extraordinary claim. In the meantime, Americans are encouraged to remain calm, trust the electoral process, and remember that the real fraud was the friends we made along the way.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/11-million-illegal-aliens-vote/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (11 Million Illegal Aliens Cast Votes in Historic Election Upset)
