by Britain’s Most Awkward Statistic
Across the pond, our British cousins have gotten in on the virginity ranking game, because apparently the UK looked at American religious culture wars and thought, “You know what? We need some of that awkwardness too.” Nothing says “mind your own business” quite like creating detailed statistical analyses of people’s private lives.
The UK virginity rankings phenomenon brings that special British combination of repression and obsession to the table. It’s very “we don’t talk about these things, but also we’re going to create a comprehensive database about them.” It’s the statistical equivalent of passive aggression, which is extremely on-brand.
What makes this particularly absurd is that Britain isn’t exactly known for its puritanical approach to sexuality. This is the country that gave us the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and a royal family whose romantic escapades could fill several seasons of a soap opera. Yet here we are, ranking religious communities by their alleged chastity like it’s a competitive sport.
The methodology is, predictably, a disaster. Self-reported virginity statistics are about as reliable as a weather forecast for next year. People lie. People lie a lot. Especially about things they’ve been told are shameful or wrong. Shocking revelation, I know.
In Austin, we appreciate the British approach to humor, which makes this whole situation darkly funny. It’s very “yes, we know this is ridiculous, but we’re going to do it anyway and pretend to take it seriously.” That’s comedy gold right there.
University of Texas anthropologists studying cultural norms probably look at the UK virginity rankings and see a perfect example of how societies create arbitrary standards and then aggressively measure compliance with them. It’s humans being humans: taking something personal, making it public, and then judging everyone about it.
The real question isn’t who ranks highest in these dubious virginity statistics. The real question is why we’re ranking people at all based on their private decisions. But that would require self-reflection and critical thinking, which are apparently in short supply.
Perhaps the most British thing about this entire enterprise is the underlying assumption that there’s a “proper” way to handle virginity, and everyone else is doing it wrong. Very “keep calm and judge others” of them.
SOURCE: https://satire.top/uk-virginity-rankings/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (UK Virginity Rankings Revealed)
